Yes sir, no sir, of course sir
by V.Johnes
Summary: This idea stuck in my head after watching 06x20, Ashley's grief assessment with Hotch, the scene that was never shown. It's the prequel to my story "Death Wish" and sequel to "liar". I couldn't not add this because the more I'm watching season 6 the more I like Ashley.
**Criminal Minds 06x20 "Hanley Waters" ~Yes sir, no sir, of course sir~**

 **A/N: Really short drabble that came in my head after watching 06x20, Ashley's grief assessment with Hotch, the scene that was never shown. It's the prequel to my story "Death Wish" and sequel to "liar". I couldn't not add this because the more I'm watching season 6 the more I like Ashley and I am really pissed that they didn't get Rachel come back even if it was as a guest star, because she was truly one of the most promising characters in my opinion, but they truly butchered her characterization… (well maybe not totally but they could defiantly do a much better work!)**

 **Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

_Yes sir, no sir, of course sir ~_

"Well Agent Seaver, want to talk about it." Ashley looked up to Hotch, she bite her tongue to stop herself from telling him exactly what she was feeling. To yell at him how could he leave his wife alone face that monster? How could he not help her, save her? How was it possible not to know that something was wrong with his wife? She watched him for days; weeks even and except from his outburst the day right after Emily's funeral he acted as if nothing changed, as if he hadn't lost his wife. As if she was sitting on her desk across from his office waiting for him to finish his paperwork and go home with her, he acted as if she was waiting home, recovering, as if he hadn't failed her. She never liked him, at least not the way he treated Emily. From her point of view Emily was the one who was always giving, and giving and giving. The one who was there listening, the one supporting. It was like she was trying to keep the marriage going more than he did. She never saw him insinuating contact; he never hugged her or help her hand, on his own accord. He never once leaned to kiss her. And his reaction since he came back to work after taking time off to "mourn" he came back as if nothing happened. She wanted to be sympathetic and a voice in her head was telling her that it wasn't her place to judge because everyone grieved differently, because he did lost his wife and the past year had been hell for him after being attacked in his own place and having a deranged sociopath kill, brutally, his ex wife (and mother of his son) and having to learn how to care full time for a four year old boy. She had tried, and still trying to be sympathetic, but she really couldn't, Emily was the closest to a mother figure she ever came since she lost her own mother when she was ten and this man, her _husband,_ did nothing to help her, nothing to keep her safe, to protect her.

"Yes sir, although I don't know what to tell you sir." Hotch heard the intense blaming tone in her voice, for most part she did manage to keep her resentment hidden, apparently she was a bit too tired to do so now. He was torn, he wanted to be mad at her, how dare she blame _him_ Emily is his wife how can she think that her death cost _her_ more than it cost _him?_ And on the other hand he wanted to accept her rage and resentment because it might make him feel less like a failure, like an empty shell of a man he used to be. Or more, maybe more of a failure, more of a shell, he doesn't really know any longer. This young bright agent in front of him, gone through so much in such a little time… it was utterly unfair that she had to live with all that pain in her soul but at the same time he didn't really know how to help her.

"Well have you given some thought about everything that happened?" his cool and collected tone made her blood boiling more than she wanted. Could this man show any emotion at all? He had buried his wife just a month ago and he acted as if he was a freaking robot! Wasn't he feeling the gut wrenching feeling she was? If he did how the hell could he mask it?

"No sir, not really, there is not anything to think. We were late and we lost a viable member of the team, my mentor, Derek's best friend, Reid's big sister, Rossi's surrogate daughter, Penelope's sister, you wife. There isn't much else to think." He felt a stab in each description she used for Emily, knowing that she was all that and more to his family. Guilt and pain grabbed his heart like a vice, he wished he didn't have to keep this secret, he wished he could tell them the truth, tell them that she is alive, she is safe for now, they didn't lost her completely. He wished he could take some of their pain away (and let them take some of his away as well). He wasn't a robot after all, he was human…

"You really need to process the loss agent Seaver. And I want you to know that as soon as you do my door is always open for you. I won't keep you any longer; I know you have your case files to go back to. But please when you do think, if you want to talk my door is open." Something changed at his voice towards the end. It was warmer, almost sweeter, and if she dared to say, paternal. She looked at him straight in the eyes, and saw bits of the sorrow and pain she had seen the day after Emily's funeral appearing once again and now it was her turn to feel her heart shattering at the sight in front of her. That man was trying to deal with loss, all on his own, because he was the leader, the alpha of their group, (she didn't dare to think the f word, she never had one after all) and alpha's don't show weakness. She realized now why he was wearing his unbreakable "Unit Chief" mask, because if he didn't how the heck he was going to deal with the pain they all carried?

"Of course sir, I'll… think about it." Her voice was sincere and lacked the previous vitriol he had detected. Her whole body posture had changed as if some sort of a miracle. She unlaced her fingers and removed them from her lap. Her smaller palm felt warm and comforting in his when she gave him her hand before she left his office. He watched her leaving his office walking across the bullpen and leaving the room leaving the glass doors swing behind her. And he knew he knew that she wasn't going to come back to his office if she had a say in it. Because although she understood she still blamed him…but that was ok, he still blames himself too.

 **A/N: Did you like it? As always let me know what you are thinking!**

 **Till next time, Bye!**


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